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Living with Mental Illness

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Diary Extracts

One way I have of dealing with the problem is to write things in a journal, although I don't do this every day, only when I can be bothered, or when I am awake in the middle of the night and feeling very lonely and scared.
 
Here are a few extracts from this journal:
 
Thursday 20th July 2000, 11.05 pm
 
I wish I could find some release from the pain and heartache.  I feel like it's tearing me apart inside, it hurts so much.  I desperately want to hold my baby.  Can't tell anyone, because there's no-one here for me.  I wish someone could be here to hold me and take away some of this pain.
 
Tuesday 25th July 2000, 3.00am
 
Yesterday the counselling session was quite deep and painful.  I went home and wanted to cry, but I couldn't.  I have discovered that a lot of the anger I have comes from the hurt and pain.
 
These are my thoughts in the middle of the night: I feel very alone and afraid in a big empty place with no-one else with me.  What Iwould really like is to be able to cry and have someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be ok - but there is no-one to do this.  Can't ask Dennis, because he loses his temper when I'm upset.  He only does this because he loves me and he can't take away the hurt or bring my baby back.  I've got no-one else to turn to for comfort, so I don't know what else to do.
 
Monday 31st August 2000
 
Felt ok today.  Went to see the counsellor tonight.  We talked about a lot of different things.  All I want is to not hurt anymore, or at least to learn how to deal with the hurt I have.
 
Tuesday 8th August 2000, 3.25 am
 
Awake again - everythging seems so pointless - why do I bother?  Don't know what else to do.  All the books tell you to talk about the baby, but what can I talk about except that he's dead?  Maybe it might have been different if he'd lived even just for a day or two?  It feels like he never really existed - we didn't even get a proper birth certificate.  The one we got hasn't even got a space for a name.  All I'm left with is a few photographs and bits of paper, a piece of grass in Mansfield Cemetery that no-one knows about, a great big heartache and a hole in my life.  Nobody cares about it anyway.
 
Monday 14th August 2000
 
Can't really seem to find a good reason to carry on.
 
Saturday 19th August 2000
 
Went up town this morning.  Bought some new clothes and a personal CD palyer.  It feels like Dennis wants to wrap me up in cotton wool, but I don't want that - I just want to be normal.  Been thinking about Michael again.
 
I then didn't add any more entries into my journal for over 2 years.
 
Saturday 19th August 2002, 3.45am
 
Sitting making a cup of tea - fell extrememly tired, but have hardly slept.  Loads of things happening at the minute, but not really sure why I can't sleep.  Not sure what to do - don't really feel angry at the minute, or sad, or hurt, just really feel a bit numb.  Think I've gone backwards a bit after the psychotherapy session on Thursday morning.  Just can't get to sleep.  Going to try a cup of tea - that might do the trick.  Decided to start writing in my journal again.
 
Saturday 19th October 2002, 9.30pm
 
Didn't really know what to do with myself today.  Trying hjard not to be nasty, but I feel very angry inside.  Bottling it up because I don't know what else to do.
 
Feel like I want to hurt myself, but not going to - it won't solve anything, and it's not a very clever thing to do.
 
Thursday 14th November 2002, 7.25pm
 
Feel really bad today.  A lot of hurt, pain, anger and a host of other emotions are lurking in the background, especially after the psychotherpay session today.  Had some not too good news today as well.  I just wish I had a motehr who could give me a great big hug and make things better.  But I have no-one.  Feel very isolated, alone and scared.
 
Sunday 17th November 2002, 8.50am
 
Feel numb at the moment.  Friday night I couldn't get to sleep, then I kept waking up all night.  Last night was the same.  Have no interest in much at all.  Maybe it's the effects of teh psychotherapy - I don't really know.  Feel very much "on edge" - don't feel able to sit down, have a need to walk about a lot.